A Year without YOU…
Today is a year since you went to Heaven. I still can't believe this. Your absence has left a massive hole in my heart that cannot be filled. Life is so tough without you here.
I want you to know how incredibly grateful I am for all the love and support you have ever given me. You were not just my grandmother but my go to person. You were my biggest supporter and always will be.
It's been a year since I heard your voice.
It's been a year since I held your hand.
It's been a year since I said I love you.
It's been a year since I hugged you so tightly.
It's been a year since I said, " You got this; you can't give up."
It's been a year since I heard your priceless laugh.
It's been a year since you said, " Dani, you're going to be alright even if I do not get to see you cancer-free and pain-free one day." "I know it will happen."
It's been a year since my #1 supporter left this world too soon.
It’s been a year since I heard “ I love you too, D.”
My favorite memories with you are talking about computers and fixing them together back in the day, books and astronomy, and going to our summer home in East Hampton when we were little—the one you hated, haha. I can't believe it took 30+ years to find that one out. We had the best time in East Hampton. Playing Bocce ball when we were little. I remember all of us walking down to the beach up the block; I loved that beach. Running around wild and free collecting shells with you and Papa. The other day, I found our splish-splash photos from when we were in strollers. Our dance pictures are from when you and Papa loved it when my sisters and I grew up dancing, especially to " Love Shack." Everytime I hear that song I think of you immediately. I had to add it to my Spotify list.
I am grateful for all our dinners, talks, phone calls, and photographs. I am thankful I came back home for a short period. You know, I have to leave again. You also knew that I wanted to go back South. You know I don't belong here. My heart cannot see your home without you in it. I can't live five houses away from my favorite second home. We had the best memories there, such as Cookie Day, Stocking Stuffer Day, sleepovers, many patio chats, and much more. I will cherish those priceless memories forever.
Thank you for giving us the best life ever.We have the most incredible memories together. I would do anything to go back in time so you could be here with all of us. Life was wonderful with you in it. I am so lucky and grateful that I am your granddaughter. I am me because of you. You not being here still consumes my thoughts every single day. I miss you deeply until I’m able to be right there with you again. I know in my heart, I will see my incredible grandparents again one day.
Most days, I don't want to keep going because you're not here in this physical world. I know you would probably either take your shoe or a spoon or pointer finger and say, " What the hell is wrong with you, D?" but deep down, I know you wouldn't have, no matter how I feel about this. Because I know you get it just like you told me on Thanksgiving Day. I never wanted you to “ get” any of this crap. Never in a million years did I think I would loose my favorite person in the entire world. No, it was never on my mind. In my heart, I always knew you would out live me.
What is survivor's guilt? Survivor's guilt is a problematic and painful feeling caused by the fact that you are still alive after a situation in which other people passed away or transitioned. It can be triggered by several events, including:
A cancer diagnosis
A plane crash
Medical trauma
A car crash
Military service
Life changing event
Transplant recipients
9/11 survivors
Those who lose a family member to suicide.
Traumatic event
First responders and more
Living with survivor's guilt is a big challenge for me right now. I am still fighting over here, and my grandmother suffered and left this world too soon. The suffering she has gone through in a very short amount of time is too much to handle. I still have nightmares. I can't wrap my head around this because this is the most complex challenge of my life.
How could this be? I am still here, and she doesn’t get to be. I hate this. What gets me through is seeing Nannie twinkling in the sky. Every time I see those stars, I think of her immediately. Wearing her favorite owl necklace makes me feel closer to you. I honor her and talk about her all the time, listening to my grandmothers favorite songs, and writing about her makes me feel so much closer to her.
If only Heaven had visiting hours, I would cancel every Doctor's appointment every day and come there to see you. If only I could squeeze you one more time and tell you how much you are loved by all of us, especially your great-grandchildren, who miss you more than anything.
After all, you're the greatest person we have ever known and always will be. I am so grateful my two nieces and two nephews got to have their Nana in their lives. They love you and miss you so very much.
We all love you and miss you more than words can even say. I will never forget you and I will honor and mourn you all the days of my life.
I hope you greeted your best friend, Millie, with open arms. You're together again. I hope you're drinking coffee and having the best conversations and dances with Papa. Every time I close my eyes, I can picture you and Papa smiling at each other in the driveway dancing. I would do anything to see that priceless moment again. Gosh, one of my favorite photographs I took of the two of you. Priceless.
Our lives have changed drastically forever.
Rest easy, my beautiful Nannie.
I love you, I miss you every second that goes by.
I'll see you later then…
🤟🏻D